You watch TV? I see cliché!

Posted: August 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

After taking a break from writing in order to nurse the indigestion I suffered following Eid Mubarak celebrations, I would like to promise you that from now henceforth, I will consider quantity of what I’m consuming and leave the chilli food to the flat-bottomed Indians and the Waswahili.
During my sick ‘tenure’, my activities centred in the living room and the ‘leaving’ room.
As such, I spent a lot of time flipping through the various channels which were boring in a funny predictable way.
I will tell you how.

Early in the morning every channel will be broadcasting CNN, Al-Jazeera and BBC news….which I understand is usually a continuation from the previous night.
Following the Breakfast news, which is the same story of having a guest speaker and having callers and text messages being sent in, they proceed to outline their day’s programmes.
All will ensure they have a deep bass voice doing the advertising…only wedding shows involve a feminine voice.

We have to admit that the Nigerian wave is really here to stay.
Such movies will be aired during the midmorning hours. Truth be told, you can watch the movie as it starts, take a break to say wash dishes, clothes or even cook and you will fit into the movie perfectly once you’re back. You only have to confirm;” Opemi has married? Ramsey Noah is now rich? Mama G has began her plotting? All questions to which you’ll be answered in the affirmative before you even sit down.
However to keep you hooked, even after watching a three hour long movie, be sure to be told at the end; ”Watch out for Part 2!”
Then, like all their movies, ”To God be the Glory” is the phrase equivalent to ‘The End’ in Disney movies!

The news at one is always a joke. During the Naija movie, they present to you news headlines in the most catchy words. Such as ‘First Lady Lucy Kibaki in Mathare!’, ‘Gor Mahia players mauled!’
That definitely sets you hopes high for the news.
After pomp in introducing the news, you get to hear, ” This afternoon, First Lady Lucy Kibaki is touring Mathare mental hospital to wish the patients a happy Eid Mubarak….Gor Mahia players were mauled by AFC Leopards in a thrilling match at Kasarani!
Unlike my friends who can curse and flip over to M-net, Fox or Supersport, I curse and flip over to another Local station but happy because their newsroom has lazy people hence are already gearing for a matinee.

Needless to say, the boring movies come to an end and it’s the time when all stations play music. The same thing…..a dj in the studio, a hot chic tugged along and the latest songs which feature in the playlist for a fortnight.
That’s the time I would go for the ‘ leaving’ room and do the needful while listening to the boring…oops blaring music!

Then it’s the time when all(real) guys are forced to go and hang out in Mutura and Samosa joints as Alehandro and Calsanyo take the spot in the Mexican soaps which makes the girls’ hearts stop with silly exclamations of,’Such a gentleman….I wish Kenyan men emulated…” really? For Chrissakes that’s acting!
”Ohh Eva Luna, I cannot marry you. My son, my two year old son will hate me.” But my love Carlos, we could elope and come back when he is grown.” ”That’s an amazing idea my love. Tomorrow morning we elope to New York America!”…..and our sisters remark at how those guys can sacrifice for love!

Back in time for the Seven O’clock news. Which simply put, is a competition on who will come up with the hardest Swahili words which not even my former Kiswahili teachers can grasp.
If that’s what thinking outside the box entails, then I’d rather limit myself to the classical thinking in my mind.
‘Ni usiku mwingine tishdisi, na ombi langu ni kuwa siha yako haiya lawama wala kurambala.”

My best part however is the Nine O’clock news which is termed ‘prime’ news.
The best media house is the one which like Manchester City football club, has bought in the best talent , facially and vocally speaking.
They have been taught to smile even just after talking about a tragedy.
The sports session is a cliche with a short clip of one game from supersport such as Patrick Evra fouling Fellaini which will be run repeatedly during the announcement of results from five games, club transfers and even fixtures!

Just before the show ends, they bring in the Opinion poll. Pose an obvious question and read the comments.
”In tonight’s opinion question we ask, Do you think the Landrate defaulters should be forgiven?…text your yes or no answer followed by a brief opinion to the number on your screen.”
later on, ”70% no, 30%yes. Just to sample some of your thoughts, Bishop Masaje says Yes, because Jesus says we forget and forgive. Reverend Kamau says No because Jesus said we give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar.:…well that’s all we had for tonight. Join us again tomorrow. Have a goodnight!”

Have a good day reader!

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